I can write thousands of stories filled with cheap romance and yet feel nothing of it. The words i write seems fake to me but i find people making sense of it. In reality it’s just a desperate attempt to create a feeling that I have lost throughout the time. It used to be so genuine and calming but now it feels forced. Sometimes i just want to believe that it is possible to lose feelings and be apathetic, i really do. But why does it feel like my heart breaks every time when something goes bad.

It makes no fucking sense to both feel and not feel the same feeling in same context every time. Why the fuck would i feel sad and happy at the same time about myself reverting back to being who i was few years back. It shouldn’t be like that, I don’t want it to be like that. Although i like the emotional detachment in it, it hurts my mind alot.

I just wish i could feel nothing especially empathy like a sociopath. That way I might actually be free from this burden of useless feelings i have and finally have transcendence.

teddy