Posts on teddywrites

Dear Stranger, I died.

Sun, 06 Sep 2026 00:00:00 +0530

Dear Stranger,

On a gloomy day in September I died. With me, the hope of true love and the trust of having a calm relationship died too. After I died, I had to collect my pieces and go to work the next day, answer emails, smile at people, pretend my chest wasn’t a demolition site. Funny how something I once held sacred turned out to be exactly what everyone warned me it was: fragile, conditional, temporary.

What 2025 Left Behind

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

2025 Was a weird year. I wanted it to be a much better one. It had everything I needed.

January,

I got promoted, I was happy. I was looking forward to being much happier.

February,

I fell in love. After a few long years, I did. I didn’t know I had it in me. I was happier, maybe that was the happiest I’ve been in awhile. It was perfect.

March,

One Last Time — Revisiting

Thu, 08 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve always wondered how fragile promises can be. How at one time we are so fixated on trying to make everything and then suddenly those promises mean nothing at all. One time someone could mean the world to us and then they mean nothing at all.

How fleeting is this feeling of love, where it can both heal you and break you to a point of no return. When Franz Kafka said that Love is the knife I turned inside me, I was skeptical but now I know how it feels to be Kafka. When I said Kafka is me, I never thought that I’d be like him after all. All I need to do is post a series of notes I’ve written to my girlfriend, if that’s even what I can call her.

One Last Time

Sun, 16 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Hey, how are you?

She sent me a text.

I had been expecting it. It had been a while.

I’m just fine, I guess. Nothing good, nothing bad. Just fine, I replied.

Oh, I know those words. You’re already planning how to cope if I leave. Why do you always overthink things?

She was hauntingly accurate when it came to reading my feelings.

It’s better to be prepared, I thought. That’s what always happens, isn’t it? People leave. It wasn’t that I was perfect—I had made my fair share of mistakes—but I wasn’t someone who had done nothing wrong either. Maybe they just felt trapped. Maybe I was the problem. But it’s just a hypothetical.

Walls

Wed, 12 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Do you know what’s not fair? It’s when you leave a bad relationship and you are the one who’s left suffering. Trying not to feel anymore, trying to walk on eggshells around emotions because they’ve become so fragile that you don’t feel like you can entrust someone with them.

And then, you’ll put up countless walls because of different reasons. These walls will have different traumas and in the middle of those walls you will rest on a pedestal waiting for someone to approach you to tell you that things will be okay again.

Revisiting Burnout

Tue, 11 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I Hate Thinking

I always have. It drags me down a strange, twisting rollercoaster of emotions. No safety bar, no map, just a plunge into the unknown. I always end up in the same dark corner of my mind. A place crowded with what ifs, should haves, and why nots.

And I hate it there.

It’s noisy, uncertain, and heavy.

Still, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always find my way back. Sometimes, I go there without even realizing it. Just a quiet moment, a breath too long, a silence too wide. And suddenly, I’m spiraling again.

Dose of Reality

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Have you ever been hit by a sudden dose of reality?

One moment, you’re calm and content. Next, you’re questioning everything you’ve ever done. And then, just like that, the thought creeps in, what if you’re not enough?

It doesn’t just pass. It lingers, gnawing at the edges of your mind, a constant hum of doubt that won’t quiet down. You try to drown it out with work, with noise, with anything that keeps your brain too busy to spiral. Because as long as you’re occupied, you’re fine. But the moment your mind is free to wander, the dread crashes in, heavy and suffocating.

Eternal Dance of Life

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Hi.

“You’ve been awfully silent the past few days,” she said.

“Yeah, I have. Just had a lot on my mind.”

I think I’ve seen this before. You, me, and this eternal dance around the obvious. Last time, I barely survived the ending.

I always believed that one day, I’d be strong enough to go through it again. Turns out, I’m not.

Because at the end of this dance, you’ll have someone to fall back into. And I won’t.

Talking with Myself

Sat, 01 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Hi, It’s me. Yeah I know. You only come to me when you’re struggling with your emotions and shit. Hey, be kind. I’m you. You can’t be that mad at yours.. Oh. yeah. Now you get it. Fine, What did I do this time? Nothing. And? Nothing. That’s the issue. You had everything perfectly aligned to your happiness and you did nothing. I thought that’s the point when things are lining up? No you fucking Idiot. Nobody can believe that shit. You need to do something in order for things to happen. Oh. You fucking donkey. Now what? Now Wha.. Are you fucking listening to me? Or Are you just that dumb. Hey, again, I’m you. Be kind. I have things going on and I don’t have time to be rational everytime. That’s why you’re here. Ok fine. Ugh, It irks me to say this but I think for now, Just wait. Don’t screw it up more than you have already done.

Unwritten Story

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

There’s an unwritten story about us. The reason it’s not written is that either one of us is afraid to pick up the pen and write it. We’ve both been so close to picking up that pen but we’d rather let the other one start the story. And until that moment, we’re going to have this infinite staredown at each other, a metaphorical staredown where nobody will win.

So, the one who picks up the pen first will dictate the terms of it. They will establish how this will flow but both of us are afraid of it aren’t we?

Note to Self

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The magic of life is that you never truly realize when you’ve fallen in love—or when you’ve fallen out of it. Some days, you hold onto hope, believing that if you just try a little harder, things will fall into place. You convince yourself that happiness is within reach, just one decision away. And then, one day, you wake up and realize that no matter how much you hoped, no matter how much effort you put in, some things simply aren’t meant to last.

Chaos

Sat, 25 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Is she chaotic?

No. She’s not. I don’t know how to describe her though. She feels so homely. Is that even a word? I feel at ease with her. I’ve felt this way before but to feel that comfort again out of nowhere in a random encounter feels so weird.

Should I?

I don’t really know. I’m torn between two options. What if she’s not that into me. I don’t want to stop feeling this. But then again to have it around you at all times seems like a fair trade-off. Why is it so hard to make decisions when it involves myself?

Love, Time, and Messages

Wed, 25 Dec 2024 17:33:40 +0000

It finally happened. It was only funny when I was theorycrafting about it, but now that it really happened, I don’t know how to handle this.

Have you ever thought about or even dreamt of time travel? Or something similar? Well, not exactly traveling, but some kind of phenomenon related to time manipulation.

It happened to me—well, in a way. It happened to her as well. The issue is that only one of us knows. Well, technically two, because she counts as two. For fuck’s sake, time travel is complicated.

Old Self

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I often stumble upon people telling me that they miss their old selves. Funny they are. I’ve always wanted to ask them whether they even remembered who they used to be. I mean, I can’t remember who the fuck I was yesterday let alone my oldself. How do people keep saying that they miss someone when they clearly have no idea who they were before?

Maybe I’m too grumpy after not writing anything for a long time but to me, missing my old self is nothing but a weird excuse for the person who they’ve become. Why would you want to go back if you’re a better person than before? The only reason you miss or wish to go back to who you once were is because either you don’t like who you’ve become or you feel like you’ve failed your own expectations. Either way, that’s not something you can fix by praying or wishing to be your oldself.

Liquid Courage

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000

ring ring ring

“Hello?” a voice on the other end replied.

“Hey, man, it’s me, Max,” I enthusiastically said.

“Holy fu… Where the hell have you been? It’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it? When did we last talk?” he asked.

“I can’t remember, really. Probably a year ago, I guess?” I replied.

“It should be. So why did you suddenly manifest? What’s going on with your life, man?” he was curious.

Alternate Adolf

Sat, 02 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

This, This doesn’t have enough heads you know. But. you’ve managed to capture the essence of architecture really well. Don’t you think that’s your calling? One of the instructors said to the teen who was standing in front of him expectantly.

Sir, I was…

I’m sorry but We are looking for someone with other talents than yours. I strongly believe your calling is Architecture.

Tired

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I’m a little bit tired.

I was procrastinating for a while, well that’s very mildly put to be honest. I haven’t written anything lately.

I was busy, yes. But I think it’s mostly due to not having anything to write about.

These feelings are quite funny. They catch up to us when we weren’t expecting. All they need is a slight slip of reality to come rushing in.

So, I guess I’m not invulnerable to it. I thought I was.

Dreams

Tue, 24 Jan 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Do you remember the first time you let someone pay you to suppress your dreams?

Do you remember the second time? The third? And the many times after those?

Now, When are you gonna stop?

Do you think It’s worthwhile to get paid to stop dreaming?

Forget about dreams, Are you happy doing that?

The Doppelganger

Sat, 24 Dec 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Louis was practising a new piece of sheet music given to him by his mentor. He had always been fond of the piano and its music. Throughout his five-year journey, he kept setting new milestones to surpass the ones before. His mentor knew this and trained him without making him feel overwhelmed.

Louis was happy with what he had been given. He had always wanted to play a piece by Liszt. As he sat down to play, he heard faint piano music coming from next door. He stopped for a moment and listened. It was as he had guessed: someone was playing a piano. He could make out the faint tune of “River Flows in You.”

Creator of Death

Fri, 16 Dec 2022 00:00:00 +0000

As I finished my final entry on the report of the Olympian experiment, I felt like a heavy burden lifting from my shoulders. But that only lasted for a mere moment when I realised what I had done.

Are you okay Doctor? I heard the faint voice of my Assistant Veronica. It was only then I realised the worries had manifested to lengths where it can be seen from outside.

Metaphorical Web

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I’m stuck.

I’m stuck in a metaphorical web I created myself.

I’m stuck in need of constant validation to keep my motivation up and running.

I’m stuck in this self-made web of self constraints.

Did you know that spiders make these webs out of their Ass? I was probably thinking out of my ass when I created this metaphorical web as well.

It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still stuck.

Death

Wed, 09 Nov 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I have died, It’s been a minute.

I can hear Doctors and Nurses trying their best to breathe life into me. I feel an electric shock of Defibrillator coursing through my body. But, I have accepted my death and moved on.

I have died, It’s been an hour.

I can hear my family trying to get into the theatre. They are at a loss and can’t believe what they heard. I see my wife and kids crying. They were good to me when I lived. But, I have accepted my death and moved on.

Loss

Fri, 04 Nov 2022 00:00:00 +0000

“Logan! Logan!! Stay with me, don’t drift away.” Logan heard a faint voice in his ears, he could barely see a shadow of a woman through his bloodshot eyes. As he drifts to sleep, Logan knew this was it for him. He didn’t have time to process anything. As his final words, he chose to crack a joke at the woman he loved, “Drifting deez…” he couldn’t finish it as he succumbed to his ill fate.

Rain and the Girl — Again

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I was caught off guard with a feeling of sudden coldness on my palm. It wasn’t in the forecast, was it? I didn’t even bring my umbrella. I thought to myself.

Although It was unexpected, I’ve always been a pluviophile. Ah, big word man.

The sky was grey, It was that darker shade of grey with earthy smell going around. If I remember correctly It’s been awhile since we had rain. I wasn’t in a hurry to get up from the bench I was sitting on.

The Story of Harry

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 00:00:00 +0000

No, No. You don’t understand. She was trying to make amends. She knew what she did was wrong and all she wanted was a chance to prove that she deserved a new life as much as the next criminal who gets one. And this city opened up like a bottomless chasm and swallowed her whole. And you still think this is fair? James was screaming in the rain. A gun in his hand and droplets of water getting mixed downstream of tears on his face.

The Spy

Tue, 06 Sep 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Did you call me Mr. Evans? Timmy asked the bossy figure in front of him.

Ah, yes. Timmy, welcome my child. I hope I didn’t steal you from something important. Because This is as important as it gets. Mr. Evans asked Timmy.

No Sir. I was on my way here so It’s okay. Timmy, frightened, replied.

Now, Timmy. Let me ask you something. I’m gonna be honest with you for a second here. You know who I am, I’m a ruthless control freak. And I hate to see things out of order. Tell me Timmy, how do we treat someone who’s out of control? Mr. Evans asked in a menacing voice.

Dwyane on the Dance Floor

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Dwyane is still holding on to his laugh on the dancefloor. Although he’s feeling a bit woozy, He’s trying to process the event that just happened.

“Mr. Reinhardt sends his regards” Dwyane heard a faint voice in his left ear.

Dwyane could feel his shirt getting dampened by the sweat and something else. There was no pain, just a little bit of pressure.

“Why?” Dwyane asked.

He didn’t get any reply. As he was falling to the ground, Dwyane saw the shocking faces of those who were dancing around him. His decisions took him to the place he is at today.

Into the Sunset — A Short Story

Thu, 09 Sep 2021 18:29:15 +0000

It isn’t easy, you know. Eventually, you’ll start to see me as I see myself right now, and the feelings you have for me will fade away like they never existed in the first place.

You see, love as we define it is relative to the opinion we have of someone. As long as you consider me a proper person to share your time with and tolerate the existence of me beside you till death do us part, you will continue to love me. If and when you lose that opinion, you’ll start to see the flaws you have actively ignored until now.

A Little Confession

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 19:26:41 +0000

I’m writing this in case if things go south.

I was not a firm believer of spontaneous vibing where you meet a random person out of nowhere and you feel like you’ve known them for sometime. To me that’s what you are, someone who appeared out of nowhere with absolutely no fucking reason and it made sense.

I instantly forgot what happened last time when i forced this vibe thing to happen and I despised it although it wasn’t much of a nightmare. Like it or not it was not the kind of relationship that I wanted to be in and it definitely was not the relationship i have imagined.

The Grind

Mon, 26 Oct 2020 11:55:36 +0000

Dying is easy.

Contrary to what people say it’s not a hard decision to take with all the shit that’s going around. You can simply say that you had enough or you’re worthless and you’re left with no choice but end it all.

Do you know what’s hard though? Living. No matter whatever the shit you have try living for a change. It’s hard and you always want to give up but it’s worth everything. When you achieve things in life you’ll realise that you never would’ve felt it if you decide to end your life. That’s what life is a well rewarding grind that you got to endure. Not everyone will go through it but to those who do you’re awesome and keep doing whatever you’re doing to make it happen.

The Girl on the Train

Fri, 02 Oct 2020 21:33:25 +0000

No, it’s not a story about a childhood friend. I was a young boy when i first saw her. I was on the way to school on a train and with the puberty and the hormones world was a different place than before. and then there she was, the woman i felt attracted to. I don’t want to label it as love but there was something about her that’s compelling and it drew me to her. The exhausting journey on the train turned out to be an hour in heaven to me. My attendance went up at school and i just loved every moment i spent looking at her.

I Feel Nothing

Sat, 29 Aug 2020 23:10:34 +0000

I can write thousands of stories filled with cheap romance and yet feel nothing of it. The words i write seems fake to me but i find people making sense of it. In reality it’s just a desperate attempt to create a feeling that I have lost throughout the time. It used to be so genuine and calming but now it feels forced. Sometimes i just want to believe that it is possible to lose feelings and be apathetic, i really do. But why does it feel like my heart breaks every time when something goes bad.

Alone and Depressed

Tue, 18 Aug 2020 16:15:14 +0000

I just want to talk to someone,
Or scream how much of a pain i am in.
Even though I try to convince myself that this’ll end
It won’t.
It’s not Physical pain to be treated.
Everytime i see myself in mirror,
I see someone who’s struggling to survive.
I see someone who’s in pain,
I see someone who’s about to end it all.
I wish i had the resolve to go through it,
But i don’t.
I’m in an dilemma,
Should i stay alive and suffer so it might get better
or
Should I just end it all and let myself be free
It’s hard when you have to build from scratch
It’s hard when you have to put up the bread for family
It’s hard to live with delusional parents who thinks that we’re fine
The Truth is we’re not.
They fucked up,
They fucked it up all.
and they are too delusional to admit it.
I just want to leave and start over,
So at least I’ll be able to survive this mess.
I know this doesn’t make sense
But,
I hope you’d understand it.

Writing, Depression and Curses

Sat, 15 Aug 2020 07:02:33 +0000

It’s hard to describe a feeling when you’re not feeling it yourself. You can try, but it won’t work. It’ll end up being a version of your most common feeling. You can convince yourself that it is the real feeling but you know that it isn’t. Be it anything good or bad if you can’t feel it for yourself, you can’t.

I write depressing stuff. Mostly because when i got into writing, I was depressed most of the time. So every word I wrote was embedded with it, molded by it and came out as it is. I couldn’t write something Happy even if you held me at a gunpoint. Even now I’m less depressed or used to it now, i still can’t find my way around words. I guess I’m cursed for life and won’t be able to write something Happy after all. But if i write that’s all that matters to me. Writing ease the emotional distress I’m in. It saved me from lots of things and i owe my life to my hobby.

Dear 17-Year-Old Me

Sat, 15 Aug 2020 06:54:58 +0000

Dear 17 year old me,

I’m sorry but i couldn’t become what you wanted.
I’m not a Singer or a Musician,
You wanted me to Marry by 25,
Well, fuck! It takes a lot to even find someone to marry,
I couldn’t find her, yet.
You were happy, I’m not
You weren’t depressed, I am
You had someone you thought you loved, I don’t.
You were wrong about society of future,
You were wrong about people around you,,
The ones who you thought would stay, they left.
The ones you thought who wouldn’t, they stayed.
You weren’t ready for all the heartbreaks,
You weren’t ready for all the sadness,
You weren’t ready for anything at all,
I don’t blame you,
You tried your best,

Spectator

Sun, 05 Apr 2020 02:20:42 +0000

Someone asked me, what was the biggest sacrifice you’ve made for love. I had to think for awhile. There were many sacrifices i made in the name of love. Although I never managed to love down even one of those sacrifices, at the end of the day there was only one that stood out.

It was to see that my unrequited love being loved by someone else and me being happy for them. I was truly happy for her. She was living the dream. Someone who loves and cares for her, someone who always stood by her side. She never would’ve done half the things she did if i were to intervene. Therefore, the decision i took, the sacrifice i made even though no one really knew, was the biggest i did. And it was pretty much the only sacrifice i can give a worth to.

Me, but Not Me

Fri, 29 Nov 2019 18:28:51 +0000

I would often wonder how i wrote whatever i wrote back then. Whenever i look at them or read them i don’t see myself writing them at all. It’s like i was possessed by some entity before I wrote what i wrote. Every word and sentence is pure act of someone else but me. It gets a little weird when those writings begin to relate to what i am in today. It’s like i knew where i would be and wanted to take a shot at me when time is ripe. Everytime i read my words, i see someone else other than me.

Why Do You Keep Coming Back to Me?

Tue, 13 Nov 2018 19:49:14 +0000

“I Loved you.” She insisted.

See, That’s where you’re wrong. you never loved me. you thought you did, but you didn’t. you were looking for validation. at that moment of your life you needed someone weaker or unfortunate than you. you wanted someone to suffer more than you. i was the scapegoat in your quest to find such a victim.

whenever you feel down or insecure you would ask me how my day was, Because you knew my day would’ve been shittier than yours was. it always was.

The Girl from the Web

Thu, 01 Nov 2018 16:40:18 +0000

I wouldn’t exactly call her a ball of pure happiness. she was grey, her heart was pure, but her life filled with darkness. she was someone you would call a flight risk. yet, i found her quite compelling. a puzzle to solve. the way i met her, the way i kept talking with her, i have grown quite fond of her.

She was a paradox, scary yet intriguing.

the day i solve that puzzle, i might able to reach her. hopefully, someday.

Repetitive Motions

Thu, 20 Sep 2018 20:49:45 +0000

I wonder why she even bother to come back in to my life again. i was not her ideal guy, i was never. but then again somehow she’s trying to get back to me. i’m not that special. only specialty i ever had was being an ultimate saboteur of relationships. i was a genius at it. and beause of that sole purpose i gave up relationships. not because i suffer or they suffer, because eventually it got boring. people became predictable and life was too clichéd. Somehow i began to see things repeating itself. it’s like my life ran out of things to do. so now it’s trying to bring back blasts from past. so i am reliving things i have experienced before and it’s so boring. Just like how that girl who went away with another guy. And she asked me why did i never asked her out. I was at loss of words. What should I say? I have nothing to say at all. I screwed it up, i screwed it up big time. And i have no excuses.

Hopes

Sat, 11 Aug 2018 16:35:35 +0000

Tick tock, Tick tock time’s running out. Every breath i take seems like it’s the last one. I was wondering what I’m gonna do with my life like always. It seems that things won’t go in my way, never. Life was never is, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. If it was just a bit easier so i can sinply manage.

Writer’s Block

Mon, 06 Aug 2018 15:43:30 +0000

Writers block is the worst thing that can happen to a writer. It keeps happening to me. No matter how much I try to keep up with it all fails. I suddenly lose motivation, my writings get deleted because i forgot to save it or many others reasons that are completely out of ordinary. Still i try because once in a blue moon i write something mind blowing that makes me flip out and ask myself did i do that? So here I am for the nth time and hoping this would stick and hoping I can pull out some rabbits out of hat or at least a carrot. Before I go,

Note to Myself

Sun, 05 Aug 2018 20:25:50 +0000

I used to be a good writer. But something stopped me from writing. I never wanted to take a pen or open up a blog draft again. I was consumed to a point where i despised reading. I despised every aspect of it. It’s like breaking up with your long-term partner and keep saying you’d do fine without her. Eventually you’ll learn how to do it but you won’t ever be the same again. I wrote this little note as a reminder to myself. So if you’re reading this teddy, don’t give up on writing. That’s where your heart lies.

Returning to Blogging

Wed, 14 Mar 2018 06:24:00 +0000

Okay, This Sucks. I’m known to rant about everything but in reality I’m doing it all in my head. No real words, No Audience. I rant to make myself comfortable or to escape from Life itself. I used to be this bright kid who spew sunshine out of my ass or i think i was. I can’t exactly remember as depression sweep me of my feet and made me its bitch. So I decided to rant on a blog which i created 4 years ago, and have 2 posts. that’s how lazy i was. Very.

Guess What!

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 07:43:05 +0000

The mere illusion of everlasting love may console you for a while but the life can not built upon that. more you depend from the others you’ll get sucked in to darkness known as empathy. to build your life taste the pain of failures, the hardship of search and the learn to take risks. and most importantly learn the fact that nobody truly cares. This is a battlefield for you to survive. Cheers!