Into the Sunset — A Short Story

It isn’t easy, you know. Eventually, you’ll start to see me as I see myself right now, and the feelings you have for me will fade away like they never existed in the first place.

You see, love as we define it is relative to the opinion we have of someone. As long as you consider me a proper person to share your time with and tolerate the existence of me beside you till death do us part, you will continue to love me. If and when you lose that opinion, you’ll start to see the flaws you have actively ignored until now.

The habits, traits, looks, and all the other things you ignored will haunt you over and over again until there’s nothing left of the image you had of me before.

Knowing this, will you be able to love me? If, at some point in our lives, you start to see me as I see myself, would you start to hate me? Or would you be indifferent?

I spoke my train of thought without giving any consideration.

You know, you’re funny. She said.

Why? I had to ask.

I don’t want to see you through someone else’s eyes, not even yours. I see you as you are, and I love you for who you are. The problems of the future are yet to happen. Can we just be true to ourselves and enjoy our time together? We’ll face life as it comes. Don’t worry, I’ll be here to hold your hand if things get rough.

She stopped.

You’re weird, I told her as we both walked into the sunset, talking about everything but love.

Hi. I texted her.

Hey, how are you? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? she replied.

I’m okay, I guess. Although I typed, I was hesitant to press that send key. Was I okay? Is it something that I can say to someone? I was never okay. But then again, anybody ever is? All of us have our battles we’re barely getting through. Some are winning it, some are losing it.

I pressed the send button.

I wanted to tell her about my demons and everything I’m going through, but she’s not someone I want to shift my burdens onto. If I’m being honest, no one is.

We carry this immense burden hoping to put it down someday and be truly happy about life, but until then we’re destined to carry it. There are no shortcuts to happiness. I’ve experienced it, and it comes at a great cost.

You don’t get to be happy unless you’re ready for what follows. It may come sooner or later, but its arrival is inevitable. The sorrow and sadness paired with the happiness we acquired will be heavy to go through.

You can only hope that you won’t have to go through it in your youth. You simply won’t recover from it. Call it depression or whatever other fancy names you can come up with, but in the end, it’s just an emotional burden of your own.

The conversation went on as usual. Neither of us knew about the other’s demons. We battled through them while trying to be a positive presence in each other’s lives, because that’s what good people do—or that’s what we think they do.

And I’m grateful to her for not asking about them. Some might say that it’s wrong not to, but to me, not sharing makes it easier to keep us as we are now.

Do you want to meet up later? She asked.

Sure, why not. Same place? I need some sunset in my life right now. I replied.

Does love ever fade? I muttered.

Huh!? She got confused with the sudden question.

I mean, if we truly love someone, does it ever fade? The feelings you have for them. Even if it didn’t work out in the end, feelings would remain. And those residual feelings would hurt you over and over until you got tired of them. When I look at her, that’s pretty much the only thing I can think of. If we ever become strangers again, would I be able to go through with it?

Hey, Hello? Earth to Moon, can you hear me? Hi? She shook me out of my trance.

Are you okay? She asked.

Yeah, yeah I am. I told her.

She and I both know it’s a lie.

She has seen my scars. The ones above my veins, the ones she always misread as an attempt on my life. I wish it were that simple. I never wanted to end my life. All I wanted was to see whether I would be able to feel something again. I’ve become numb to feelings. Paint me a hypocrite, but it’s true.

The only reason I’m thinking about leaving her—or her leaving me—is to see whether I’d be left with those feelings people talk about. The pain of losing someone you loved. Knowing they’d be happy with someone else, I want to feel it.

It’s getting late. I know you’re not okay. She spoke to me with a concerned voice.

I know you’ve been through a lot, and you’re looking for something that’ll keep you engaged with your mind and emotions. It will come to you soon. So, until that, I’m here with you. Whenever you need, just talk to me. You know where to find me. I’m always here. She kept going on.

I know. Thank you for that. I told her.

As the sun took its final dive into the ocean, I looked at two things I cherished most.

A beautiful sunset and a beautiful soul.

Maybe it isn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll be happy one day.

I woke up to a text chime on my phone.

Wake up, sleepyhead. It said.

I hadn’t slept for the last few days. It’s not because I couldn’t, but because I forced myself to stay awake. I’m not someone who sees night only as a time to stay unconscious. I enjoy the silence of dawn and its cold atmosphere. It’s not like a sunset, but I find it easier to feel at dawn. Even though I feel nothing at all, I can try without being distracted by sounds and other things that haunt me.

Hey, are you awake? I know you are. Reply to me. The phone chimed again.

Yeah, I am. What’s up? Anything wrong? I asked out of habit.

Why do I assume that everyone is in some distress when they reach me? Maybe it’s because I wonder whether people genuinely need to message me. I’ve never had someone genuinely ask how I am doing. Whenever I get a message, it’s always followed by a request for help or something that doesn’t concern me.

That was before I found her. She’s always going on about herself or just randomly asking about me. It’s refreshing because she never makes requests the way other people do.

What? Do you think I’m like those people who think that something’s wrong with them all the time? You’re weird. She replied.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I replied out of habit.

What are YOU sorry for? She replied.

She’s right. I shouldn’t be sorry for someone else, but when I feel something about her, it’s much more different from others. It feels so close to my heart, almost as if I’m feeling it about myself. If I were to say that love synchronizes the hearts of people, would you call me a liar? Probably. But that’s how I think it is. Sometimes I just can’t explain it.

A love that is not love.

A relationship that isn’t a relationship.

We both exist in it but at the same time, we don’t. That’s what intrigued me about her in the first place.

Hey, can I ask you something? She questioned.

Ask away. I replied.

When will this end? She asked.

When will what end? I was confused.

This. You, me, and everything in between, she replied.

What!? What are you talking about? I kept asking.

Never mind, it’s getting late. I told you not to sleep in the afternoon because I always have to wake you up for the evening. She went on.

Will you please get up and come to see me? She asked.

Although I didn’t understand the latter part of the conversation, I said yes. I wanted to see the sunset. I’ve been visiting outside and observing it more frequently than before.

Sunsets are mysterious sometimes. That’s one of the reasons I love it this much.

Sitting on the bench and watching the sun try to keep itself above the horizon made me think it was almost as if it didn’t want to go. But I wanted it to leave and cover the world with darkness.

Sometimes I don’t understand how she is okay with my trances or how I zone out in the middle of conversations. Maybe that’s why I find her alluring. How she can tolerate my weird habits. It’s quite weird, isn’t it? How love can make us do things that we never thought we would.

Go the extra mile, chase a dream you never thought you had, do things you never thought you wanted. You keep discovering these things in your life when you are with someone, and sometimes it’s rewarding.

As I looked up from my trance, the sun had given up its battle with the horizon. It was drowning in the sea, and it was probably the most beautiful sunset I had seen so far. I felt something special about it, just as I did about this day.

Until tomorrow then? She said, snapping me out of my concentration towards the sun.

No. I guess it’s about time, isn’t it? I told her with a faint voice.

Oh, have you finally decided what to do with me? she asked in the angelic voice I had grown attached to.

Yes, it’s about time I let you go, isn’t it? It’s not working well for me—all these years clinging to something that doesn’t even exist anymore. I was at the end of my sanity as I muttered those words.

But what about the sunsets we shared? Are you going to stop that too? she asked.

No, I don’t think I will. I still love sunsets, and I will keep watching them, feeling them, but from here on out it won’t be with you.

I just wanted to say thank you. For all the memories in the past few days. Although it’s just me, it almost felt as if it’s someone else.

As I reached for the medication I had skipped a couple of days earlier, I wanted to make sure that I’d be able to survive this on my own.

Do you think I will be able to do that? I asked her.

I think so. You don’t have to doubt it. There are no doubts in your mind. You have to believe me because I am you. She assured.

Okay then, I guess this is goodbye. It’s kinda weird saying goodbye to yourself.

As I restarted my medication, I felt her voice fade away and cease to exist. After a while, I was on my own.

I walked out to the beach, where I have always found my happy place. The sunset, the beach, and everything in between.

~ Fin ~