Reflections on teddywrites

Dear Stranger, I died.

Sun, 06 Sep 2026 00:00:00 +0530

Dear Stranger,

On a gloomy day in September I died. With me, the hope of true love and the trust of having a calm relationship died too. After I died, I had to collect my pieces and go to work the next day, answer emails, smile at people, pretend my chest wasn’t a demolition site. Funny how something I once held sacred turned out to be exactly what everyone warned me it was: fragile, conditional, temporary.

What 2025 Left Behind

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

2025 Was a weird year. I wanted it to be a much better one. It had everything I needed.

January,

I got promoted, I was happy. I was looking forward to being much happier.

February,

I fell in love. After a few long years, I did. I didn’t know I had it in me. I was happier, maybe that was the happiest I’ve been in awhile. It was perfect.

March,

One Last Time — Revisiting

Thu, 08 May 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve always wondered how fragile promises can be. How at one time we are so fixated on trying to make everything and then suddenly those promises mean nothing at all. One time someone could mean the world to us and then they mean nothing at all.

How fleeting is this feeling of love, where it can both heal you and break you to a point of no return. When Franz Kafka said that Love is the knife I turned inside me, I was skeptical but now I know how it feels to be Kafka. When I said Kafka is me, I never thought that I’d be like him after all. All I need to do is post a series of notes I’ve written to my girlfriend, if that’s even what I can call her.

Dose of Reality

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Have you ever been hit by a sudden dose of reality?

One moment, you’re calm and content. Next, you’re questioning everything you’ve ever done. And then, just like that, the thought creeps in, what if you’re not enough?

It doesn’t just pass. It lingers, gnawing at the edges of your mind, a constant hum of doubt that won’t quiet down. You try to drown it out with work, with noise, with anything that keeps your brain too busy to spiral. Because as long as you’re occupied, you’re fine. But the moment your mind is free to wander, the dread crashes in, heavy and suffocating.

Eternal Dance of Life

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Hi.

“You’ve been awfully silent the past few days,” she said.

“Yeah, I have. Just had a lot on my mind.”

I think I’ve seen this before. You, me, and this eternal dance around the obvious. Last time, I barely survived the ending.

I always believed that one day, I’d be strong enough to go through it again. Turns out, I’m not.

Because at the end of this dance, you’ll have someone to fall back into. And I won’t.

Talking with Myself

Sat, 01 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Hi, It’s me. Yeah I know. You only come to me when you’re struggling with your emotions and shit. Hey, be kind. I’m you. You can’t be that mad at yours.. Oh. yeah. Now you get it. Fine, What did I do this time? Nothing. And? Nothing. That’s the issue. You had everything perfectly aligned to your happiness and you did nothing. I thought that’s the point when things are lining up? No you fucking Idiot. Nobody can believe that shit. You need to do something in order for things to happen. Oh. You fucking donkey. Now what? Now Wha.. Are you fucking listening to me? Or Are you just that dumb. Hey, again, I’m you. Be kind. I have things going on and I don’t have time to be rational everytime. That’s why you’re here. Ok fine. Ugh, It irks me to say this but I think for now, Just wait. Don’t screw it up more than you have already done.

Unwritten Story

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

There’s an unwritten story about us. The reason it’s not written is that either one of us is afraid to pick up the pen and write it. We’ve both been so close to picking up that pen but we’d rather let the other one start the story. And until that moment, we’re going to have this infinite staredown at each other, a metaphorical staredown where nobody will win.

So, the one who picks up the pen first will dictate the terms of it. They will establish how this will flow but both of us are afraid of it aren’t we?

Note to Self

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

The magic of life is that you never truly realize when you’ve fallen in love—or when you’ve fallen out of it. Some days, you hold onto hope, believing that if you just try a little harder, things will fall into place. You convince yourself that happiness is within reach, just one decision away. And then, one day, you wake up and realize that no matter how much you hoped, no matter how much effort you put in, some things simply aren’t meant to last.

Chaos

Sat, 25 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Is she chaotic?

No. She’s not. I don’t know how to describe her though. She feels so homely. Is that even a word? I feel at ease with her. I’ve felt this way before but to feel that comfort again out of nowhere in a random encounter feels so weird.

Should I?

I don’t really know. I’m torn between two options. What if she’s not that into me. I don’t want to stop feeling this. But then again to have it around you at all times seems like a fair trade-off. Why is it so hard to make decisions when it involves myself?

Old Self

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I often stumble upon people telling me that they miss their old selves. Funny they are. I’ve always wanted to ask them whether they even remembered who they used to be. I mean, I can’t remember who the fuck I was yesterday let alone my oldself. How do people keep saying that they miss someone when they clearly have no idea who they were before?

Maybe I’m too grumpy after not writing anything for a long time but to me, missing my old self is nothing but a weird excuse for the person who they’ve become. Why would you want to go back if you’re a better person than before? The only reason you miss or wish to go back to who you once were is because either you don’t like who you’ve become or you feel like you’ve failed your own expectations. Either way, that’s not something you can fix by praying or wishing to be your oldself.

Dreams

Tue, 24 Jan 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Do you remember the first time you let someone pay you to suppress your dreams?

Do you remember the second time? The third? And the many times after those?

Now, When are you gonna stop?

Do you think It’s worthwhile to get paid to stop dreaming?

Forget about dreams, Are you happy doing that?

Metaphorical Web

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I’m stuck.

I’m stuck in a metaphorical web I created myself.

I’m stuck in need of constant validation to keep my motivation up and running.

I’m stuck in this self-made web of self constraints.

Did you know that spiders make these webs out of their Ass? I was probably thinking out of my ass when I created this metaphorical web as well.

It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still stuck.

A Little Confession

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 19:26:41 +0000

I’m writing this in case if things go south.

I was not a firm believer of spontaneous vibing where you meet a random person out of nowhere and you feel like you’ve known them for sometime. To me that’s what you are, someone who appeared out of nowhere with absolutely no fucking reason and it made sense.

I instantly forgot what happened last time when i forced this vibe thing to happen and I despised it although it wasn’t much of a nightmare. Like it or not it was not the kind of relationship that I wanted to be in and it definitely was not the relationship i have imagined.

The Grind

Mon, 26 Oct 2020 11:55:36 +0000

Dying is easy.

Contrary to what people say it’s not a hard decision to take with all the shit that’s going around. You can simply say that you had enough or you’re worthless and you’re left with no choice but end it all.

Do you know what’s hard though? Living. No matter whatever the shit you have try living for a change. It’s hard and you always want to give up but it’s worth everything. When you achieve things in life you’ll realise that you never would’ve felt it if you decide to end your life. That’s what life is a well rewarding grind that you got to endure. Not everyone will go through it but to those who do you’re awesome and keep doing whatever you’re doing to make it happen.

The Girl on the Train

Fri, 02 Oct 2020 21:33:25 +0000

No, it’s not a story about a childhood friend. I was a young boy when i first saw her. I was on the way to school on a train and with the puberty and the hormones world was a different place than before. and then there she was, the woman i felt attracted to. I don’t want to label it as love but there was something about her that’s compelling and it drew me to her. The exhausting journey on the train turned out to be an hour in heaven to me. My attendance went up at school and i just loved every moment i spent looking at her.

Alone and Depressed

Tue, 18 Aug 2020 16:15:14 +0000

I just want to talk to someone,
Or scream how much of a pain i am in.
Even though I try to convince myself that this’ll end
It won’t.
It’s not Physical pain to be treated.
Everytime i see myself in mirror,
I see someone who’s struggling to survive.
I see someone who’s in pain,
I see someone who’s about to end it all.
I wish i had the resolve to go through it,
But i don’t.
I’m in an dilemma,
Should i stay alive and suffer so it might get better
or
Should I just end it all and let myself be free
It’s hard when you have to build from scratch
It’s hard when you have to put up the bread for family
It’s hard to live with delusional parents who thinks that we’re fine
The Truth is we’re not.
They fucked up,
They fucked it up all.
and they are too delusional to admit it.
I just want to leave and start over,
So at least I’ll be able to survive this mess.
I know this doesn’t make sense
But,
I hope you’d understand it.

Dear 17-Year-Old Me

Sat, 15 Aug 2020 06:54:58 +0000

Dear 17 year old me,

I’m sorry but i couldn’t become what you wanted.
I’m not a Singer or a Musician,
You wanted me to Marry by 25,
Well, fuck! It takes a lot to even find someone to marry,
I couldn’t find her, yet.
You were happy, I’m not
You weren’t depressed, I am
You had someone you thought you loved, I don’t.
You were wrong about society of future,
You were wrong about people around you,,
The ones who you thought would stay, they left.
The ones you thought who wouldn’t, they stayed.
You weren’t ready for all the heartbreaks,
You weren’t ready for all the sadness,
You weren’t ready for anything at all,
I don’t blame you,
You tried your best,

Spectator

Sun, 05 Apr 2020 02:20:42 +0000

Someone asked me, what was the biggest sacrifice you’ve made for love. I had to think for awhile. There were many sacrifices i made in the name of love. Although I never managed to love down even one of those sacrifices, at the end of the day there was only one that stood out.

It was to see that my unrequited love being loved by someone else and me being happy for them. I was truly happy for her. She was living the dream. Someone who loves and cares for her, someone who always stood by her side. She never would’ve done half the things she did if i were to intervene. Therefore, the decision i took, the sacrifice i made even though no one really knew, was the biggest i did. And it was pretty much the only sacrifice i can give a worth to.

Me, but Not Me

Fri, 29 Nov 2019 18:28:51 +0000

I would often wonder how i wrote whatever i wrote back then. Whenever i look at them or read them i don’t see myself writing them at all. It’s like i was possessed by some entity before I wrote what i wrote. Every word and sentence is pure act of someone else but me. It gets a little weird when those writings begin to relate to what i am in today. It’s like i knew where i would be and wanted to take a shot at me when time is ripe. Everytime i read my words, i see someone else other than me.

Repetitive Motions

Thu, 20 Sep 2018 20:49:45 +0000

I wonder why she even bother to come back in to my life again. i was not her ideal guy, i was never. but then again somehow she’s trying to get back to me. i’m not that special. only specialty i ever had was being an ultimate saboteur of relationships. i was a genius at it. and beause of that sole purpose i gave up relationships. not because i suffer or they suffer, because eventually it got boring. people became predictable and life was too clichéd. Somehow i began to see things repeating itself. it’s like my life ran out of things to do. so now it’s trying to bring back blasts from past. so i am reliving things i have experienced before and it’s so boring. Just like how that girl who went away with another guy. And she asked me why did i never asked her out. I was at loss of words. What should I say? I have nothing to say at all. I screwed it up, i screwed it up big time. And i have no excuses.

Hopes

Sat, 11 Aug 2018 16:35:35 +0000

Tick tock, Tick tock time’s running out. Every breath i take seems like it’s the last one. I was wondering what I’m gonna do with my life like always. It seems that things won’t go in my way, never. Life was never is, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. If it was just a bit easier so i can sinply manage.

Guess What!

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 07:43:05 +0000

The mere illusion of everlasting love may console you for a while but the life can not built upon that. more you depend from the others you’ll get sucked in to darkness known as empathy. to build your life taste the pain of failures, the hardship of search and the learn to take risks. and most importantly learn the fact that nobody truly cares. This is a battlefield for you to survive. Cheers!